i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Randomize
