Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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