i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
