Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
