I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
