i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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