just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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