South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
