she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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