I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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