i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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