Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
People in love make me want to vomit
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
