It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
