So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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