Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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