i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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