Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
