i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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