I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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