My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I could make wine with my vomit
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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