The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
