I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
