Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
