A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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