oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
