also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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