Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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