i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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