Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
My ATM looks so different sober.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
