i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
