people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
