I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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