The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
