I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
