yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
