I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
