i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize