But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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