the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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