Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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