all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
