I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
