He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize