If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
