apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
