At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
