you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just want nice things and good sex
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
