did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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