Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
