Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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