dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
