My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
