I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
