i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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