I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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