He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
