Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
