We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
