I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
