no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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