And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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