i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
