Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
