I am in a vortex of obligation.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
