Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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