i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just gift wrapped bread.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
