Please don't use social media to get back at me.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I just googled if crying burns calories
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
